just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
