forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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