that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
