Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize