quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize