i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
