Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
