hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
