glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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