I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
