How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
