I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
