Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
