R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
