sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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