So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
