hell yes lets make some ravioli
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
