You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
