if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
