Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
