Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize