the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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