I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
