I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
