she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
