I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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