he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
