the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
