I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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