she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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