literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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