Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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