I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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