Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
