My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Still dying that you shit outside
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
