Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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