how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
