and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
try to milk me bitch
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
