Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
