We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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