so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
worst night to have a conscience
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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