pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
