He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
