I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
