I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
