I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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