Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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