East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
