Define "chronic" masturbator.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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