I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you had me at cake vodka
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
