Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
