Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
