apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
