It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
