i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
