Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
