While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
