so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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