Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
