I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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